There is comfort to hear of a stranger’s similar pain…
“Both of us are sick of waiting. We’ve done multiple tests, taken drugs and done procedures…how each period ends a sentence we didn’t want to end, how each month she hurts and aches for a baby. But here we are approaching two years later and nothing has changed.”
It’s been exactly 21 months, 3 months shy of the two year mark. This month was particularly hard, as there was hope of new medication, the first intervention we had ever tried. We also tried an ovulation test for the first time, which brought excitement with the predictive “happy face”, and even had time for a mini retreat over the long weekend. The night before testing, I was convinced my pee smelled differently (obviously a sign of increased hCG levels), and went as far as to bring my video camera into the bathroom with me the next morning to film the moment of truth. But yet again, not this month. As is often the case, I have gone through many phases during these many months – from trusting in scientific methods such as basal temperature testing, to the “superbaby” phase where I fully entrusted new life into the hands of my Creator, to God challenging me with the question “Will you love me even if you are not a mother?”, to visiting the fertility clinic and being discouraged with no real answers. Every day at work, I read and type out my patients’ medical histories; there is something sobering to read “infertility” in my own medical history, and something disheartening to know I have fewer-than-ideal eggs left remaining. That’s it. No connection between the number of eggs with chances of conceiving, but still the likely limitation. Although knowing this probably explanation provides us with concrete facts, it also makes this all the more real.
But amidst the honesty, this writer declares in this article he does not want to waste this time of infertility.
If He is the light of the world and we are the light of the world, then He must shine in us through infertility. If everything works for my good and His glory then infertility must, too. I trust that if and when she gets pregnant it will be with our child planned for us. I trust that when we adopt we will adopt our child planned for us…I trust that God sees our tears, hears our groans and feels our pain, yet loves us enough to give us only the best…I, by the grace of God, will live, either in this life or the next, to experience the glory of our infertility.
This week, I was reminded of a song about waiting, “I’m waiting on You Lord and I am hopeful. I’m waiting on You Lord though it is painful, but patiently I will wait. I will move ahead bold and confident… While I’m waiting, I will serve you. While I’m waiting, I will worship.” I certainly have not been serving or worshiping wholeheartedly during this time. I’ve been burying myself in my covers, allowing myself to drown in lifelessness and shutting everyone out.
Give me courage, Lord, to continue to trust that You have our very best planned for us, to continue to worship, serve and love when I just want to quit. My deepest prayer is that the child we adopt and conceive will be the one You planned for us. I choose to believe that there is a reason You have not answered according to our desire, I choose to believe that You are good, and I choose to believe that all things are possible with You despite the direst circumstances.
Hebrews 11:1 – Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.